My mouth gaped open at Wesley's words and I was so shocked by them I couldn't even react. Honestly? It was better that he'd just slammed the door behind him because if he was still standin' inside my apartment? Well...I didn't know what I'd do but it would probably be bad and I didn't wanna go down that road again. Even if I desperately wanted to hurt him right about now. Instead I just stood and stared at that same door that had been slammed twice now in one night. Suddenly I wished Spike was here because this was all his fucking fault! Besides, I knew that I could beat the crap out of him right now and he'd just take it. Angrily I grabbed the box with the ring inside and hurled it at the door, listening as it fell back to the floor with a solid thud. Then I only found myself disappointed because I didn't feel any better.
Turnin' my back to the door I sank down on the couch morosely and glanced at the television screen at the paused game Xander had been playin' before I up and ruined his life. I'd never meant to hurt him. Really I'd never meant to hurt anybody. I was just so fucking determined to do what was best for my daughter that I hadn't really thought about Xander or Wesley's feelings. Was that so fucking wrong? I didn't think so. Besides, Xander was so happy playin' Dadddy. Why the hell would I wanna take that away from him? I didn't have the heart to.
What Wes said to me on his way out the door was the exact reason I hadn't told him about it in the first place. Like the two of us could ever work together to raise up a kid all right. We were the most unstable people I'd ever met
"Gee, Your Honor. I know that I used to be in prison for killin' people but seriously spend an hour with Wes. He's way more fucked up then I am."
Somehow? I didn't think that would really stand up in court and my heart almost lunged up into my throat. Swallowing hard I tried to shake the bitter tears away because I would never let him take her away from me. Ever since I'd found out that I was pregnant my on-going mantra had been protect her. Do whatever I had to do. If I had to lie to the people that I loved? Then so be it as long as she was safe and well cared for. Was I wrong? Was I....? I'd already made up my mind. I'd disappear so far out of sight that Wes would never find me if he tried to take me to court for her. I didn't really have any other choice and if Wes thought that I'd ever...tie my daughter to a chair and.... He was wrong. So fucking wrong and he didn't know a damn thing about me. Not anymore. Someone should really tell him that bein' a kind of screwed up father figure was what landed him in that kitchen chair in the first place. Someone who definitely isn't me should tell him that. I'd already said enough.
I just wanted something better for her than I had! Check me out. No real Dad to speak of. Alcoholic slut of a mother. Then you got the failed father figures. The Mayor (wicked evil and also a giant snake), Wesley (tied him to a kitchen chair and tortured him after he tried to get his Council assholes to kill me) and Angel (.......who saved me in a rainy alleyway). I stopped short. Angel. It didn't matter how many screwed up things I'd done Angel always took my side. Never gave up on me. Always came through for me. Angel who also happened to be the CEO of the most powerful law firm around. Suddenly? I was feelin' like I had a leg to stand on. There wasn't one doubt in my mind that Angel would take my side over Wesley's on this one. If only it'd been Angel who'd knocked me up that night in Vegas. Naw. Girl like me could never get that lucky. Although maybe that wasn't the best idea ever, I mean Connor was a cool kid but fucked up wasn't even the word.
The irony that I had never really had a Dad and now there were two volunteers to be my kid's Dad hadn't escaped me either. Well, maybe volunteers was kind've a lofty word considering they both just stormed out of my apartment.
It didn't matter. My little girl had me and she'd never be alone. She'd know how fucking loved she was no matter what ended up happening and I'd never leave her or hurt her. And now we both had Angel because I was sure that Angel would pull some strings at the law firm. Make sure that Wes didn't have any rights to my kid and that would be that. Maybe Xander would come home after he was done...doing whatever it was that he had gone out to do. I wanted him to come home, I wanted him here, I wanted him with me. I wondered if I'd ever get to tell him that. Fuck. I hoped he wasn't goin' to get drunk. We'd already gone down that road together and moved past it and I was hopin' that I hadn't pushed him back towards the bottle again.
What was one more thing to feel guilty about?